I should start by stating the obvious. It has been a long ass year. Sigh. For context, let’s check out how my year went in months. I got my first big girl job in December 2019🎉🎊. Excited doesn’t quantify how I felt. Boyyyyy, I was elated, Happy you name it. I mean, even with the declining purchasing power of the Naira, the monthly pay was quite nice.
I resumed in January, and little did I know my life was about to be a high-speed roller coaster. First, my boss is a menace. And I mean this in every way possible. A bully (my therapist said this, not me. Yes, things got so bad that I had to get therapy) and a manipulative ass. I’m typically a softie, so trust that I fell for his schemes. His MO was to get close to you as a cool boss and gaslight the living daylight out of you. Sigh 😔. It was horrible. I digress.
January was mostly me adapting to the new environment and giving my all to unreasonable expectations (For people in tech, I was asked to build an e-commerce PWA in one month using angular, and I’d never written a line of code in angular before my resumption. How? My people, How? 🤷🏾♀️🙄 Bear in mind the job requirement was to study a STEM course in university and have a first-class. No coding skills required) However, I took it like a champ and started learning angular. I mean, momma didn’t raise a quitter, right? Lol, boya, I should have quit? 😭 My best friend also had this nasty breakup (Menascum), and being an empath, it could have just been my break up. I was really, really sad. I started having random crying spells, which I later found out was due to anxiety.
PS: mental health levels at this point: 80% (All was good ishh)
February came, and as expected, I made zero progress on that task 😂 and was moved to social media campaign management. At this point, I was getting frustrated, and I’d chopped my hair again. The campaign went relatively well, and that was a mini win in the bag. One of my colleagues from training school quit, and we went out to celebrate his freedom on valentine’s day. No need to mention that I’m single to stupor at this point because who isn’t busy on valentine’s day? (Yikes)
March Was majorly still about work. I had zero life asides work, so forgive me if that’s all I bore you with. But yeah, back to the impossible task. I had to move to the central technology department to learn a bit from some pros. I was getting bashed during daily update meetings at this point. You know, as a supposed failure that I am. (I had zero skills, zero training, and no boss to learn from btw, but yeah, I’m the failure) mental health levels at this point. 60%, I was losing it.
PS: My best friend got a job, and that was fucking awesome! Things were starting to look up. Or, so I thought 😩. Till the global pandemic hit.
April, we were working from home. I was like: it can’t be that bad, right? Right, it was worse 😭. I was gaslighted every single close of day meeting. I promise you, every single one. This is what always happens. I’ll be given a task outside my major task (e.g., design screens for this website or add a feature to this portal in a language I had never used before) with a very, very, very unreasonable timeline. Then I’ll get bashed for not completing it and then be accused of trying to scam him with my project updates. E sir, just calm down, please. Of course, my insecurities took over, and I became a shadow of myself locked in a room due to a pandemic.
My birthday was in May, and it was awesome! Even though it was during a pandemic, I enjoyed the quietness and company of my friend. I also got meaningful gifts this year. Not a lot, but they were thoughtful and kind. Then there was Ramadan, and I did the best I could to pray as much as possible because, let’s face it, that was all I had at the time.
June flew by, and by then, the lockdown had been lifted. People were free to move about, and I moved into a new house. I was glad because it gave me a chance to do it over, more like a fresh start of some sort. As you have probably guessed, it did not work one bit! The job was still shitty, and my mental health situation got worse. Nothing prepared me for not being good enough at my job. I was always the best or somewhere close. How the heck did I become this person? A huge shoutout to my office support systems (Aisha, Anu, Rachel, Salam, Ini, Toyin, Clara). These guys are the kind of colleagues you want to work with. With every bashing, they consoled. With every task I couldn’t complete, they helped me through. With every trouble I was about to get into, they helped avert. They came through for me, especially on the days I’ll have meltdowns and couldn’t work.
July had to be the roughest month for me. It started with crying spells. I was always always crying. I was so stressed that I’ll just get overwhelmed and start bawling my eyes out for hours. My head would be pounding, I’ll be sick to my stomach, but I’ll just keep crying. There was a particular week in June. I cried 3 days in a row, and Aisha had to force me to take some days off to sort myself. Huge shoutout to Salam, who took my workload with his and worked with me at odd hours to meet deadlines. I see you bruv. I was sleeping a lot, wasn’t eating well, and of course, I became super exhausted all the time. I think I almost fainted in a taxi on my way to work one day. Eventually, I woke up one day had an intense crying session (Lol), and went to the clinic. My doctor asked me what was wrong, and all I could say was, I wasn’t feeling good. She asked me some questions and referred me to a therapist, and that’s how my therapy journey began.
PS: Mental health level? Like 20%, I had zero will. I was honestly just existing.
My therapist put me on some meds, and we navigated through all the incidents that led me here. Now, I would be lying if I say my job was the only reason for my breakdown. It was definitely the tipping point, but a couple of other factors also contributed to the mess I was. I had childhood trauma I hadn’t dealt with. I was largely insecure about many things, and apparently, I’ve always had anxiety issues that I genuinely thought was normal. So, you people don’t overthink stuff and worry about everything??? Must be nice!
The road to recovery is hard. Very hard. It already sucks you have to down meds every day. Then on your worst days, you lie there and wonder why you’re so weak, especially for someone that’s used to being strong. The slightest things trigger you. And you find yourself an emotional wreck without knowing why. You just know you’re moody and pissed. You’re out and feeling sad? Good luck hiding the tears from whoever you’re with because it will fall. Those betraying liquids from your tear ducts would come running down.
The worst part of all this? The loneliness. You see, over the course of the year, I had unintentionally pushed almost all my friends away. All. I was a social butterfly in school, and I had a lot of people I used to talk to. I was that person who you couldn’t walk the halls with because I had to greet everyone. But subconsciously, I had stopped talking to everyone, really. In my Journey back to being sane, I realized I was lonely. My therapist pointed this out to me in our discussions, and it hit me! I was super lonely 😞.
Anywayyysssss. September came by. I was regaining my confidence here and there. My boss was still his usual self, but one day, I pushed back a bit. He could not believe it! Lmao, neither could I, but I did it anyway. He swore to all my colleagues he’ll teach me a lesson. You know how toxic a place has to be that when you have issues with your line manager, that very day you’re sent a query to respond to. Then the very next day, he, without consulting HR or anything, asks you not to come into the workspace. To go wait downstairs and you’re removed from the team group chat on skype. I’m like, huh? Okay, all well and good. Personally, not proud of my actions that day but was I humiliated for it? Hell yes. Huge shoutout to the GM for saving me from the bullying. Anyway, I was transferred to a new team that very day.
The rest of September was honestly a blur. I spent most of my time slaving away (literally) at work. I had to prove my worth to the new team. Show I wasn’t as problematic as he’d made me. You’ll think my issues with him were over. Noooope, this man still found ways to frustrate my life. From asking for design screens on weekends to giving me even worse deadlines. But sir, I don’t work for you anymore.
I was so frustrated. So so frustrated. My slogan in therapy was; I don’t like trouble. My therapist always told me right back that the trouble you avoided, are you not in it right now?
One good thing though, my mum came to town with my siblings at the beginning of October. It was like a mini-vacation. If you know my mum, you know she means business. As a shameless being, I packed my bags and went to sit in her hotel the entire stay. We went to the beach, hung out a lot, and I had the best time tbh. Maybe it was seeing her, perhaps it was seeing my siblings, but I felt so good after they left. I tried to take charge of my life. You know, finish the year strong and start well for 2021. I made a list of To-do’s and just started working on it.
The #endsars protests started towards the end of September but gained traction in October. It was the one thing all Nigerian youths could agree on. That unit of the Nigerian police force had to go. We fought a good fight, but the government deemed it fit to kill unarmed protesters. That marked the official end of the protests. We were broken, to be honest. May the souls of the departed rest in peace. May those that ordered the killings not find peace. Hopefully, the new generation of Nigerians can make a change. The protests were well run. Everyone had just one common goal, which was to support the movement. Shoutout to FK Abudu (My president) and the FemCo team. You all are badasses! Btw, I am FK’s shawtie 007. The rest of you should fall in line.
Do you know how they say there’s always a turning point? Mine was October 28th. What happened, you might ask? Nothing, absolutely nothing. But I woke up that morning and decided I was done wasting my time at a job that was ruining me. I take 10 steps to heal, and it drags me back 11. I just knew there was no turning back. It was now or never. I had to get out! I called my mum and told her. She had already asked me to quit anyway, so she was happy I was leaving. I told my colleagues, and by Monday, November 2nd, I had tendered my resignation. I was proud of the courage to leave the situation that was no longer serving me. Wherever it came from, I was proud! I had never been happier. I said my goodbyes by 6th, and I was done. I was free!
It’s been almost two months since I left, and it’s been the best time of my adult existence. I am so happy, and my mental health is slowly getting back to a good state. Guys, I’ve only had about three meltdowns in two months! That’s incredible! Like super awesome. I started working out to ensure I feel good in the mornings (exercise helps improve anxiety, releases endorphins, serotonin, and the likes that help regulate your mood). You can check my progress on IG: yenicooks. I’ve been able to plan my life (even though everything might not go according to plan), relax properly without feeling like something is chasing me, and improve my wellbeing. It’s been a journey; one I am so glad I embarked on it. Some days frustrate me still, especially staying at home in an African setting (Not nice) or looking at my account balance in red, but I am still glad I chose this path. I am thankful for a lot of things, especially friends and family. Shoutout to Rafiat for always being there. You know I love you. My guy Rolayo, thanks for always staying with me while I cry. Salmah, I am glad we met on Twitter. Thanks for always encouraging me to take my meds. Joshua, gisting with you almost every day since we met makes me happy. It is nice to have a buddy I can stress. Saving the best for last, shoutout to my mother. The real OG. If you know me personally, you know she’s one.
Am I still depressed? Hell yes. But I plan to keep working on myself till I get better. I am going into the new year broke (Hopefully not for long), stronger, and with a bold resolve to live for me. To not be a slave for money or love. To be as comfortable as I can, choose the easy life as I do not have to suffer to matter or prove my worth. To enjoy the good things of life. To be as vain as I enjoy. To make myself the main character in my story. To treat myself like I matter because I do. To stop self-sabotaging and live up to my potential like I once did. To take things a step at a time. To respect myself & my abilities. And above all, to enjoy myself because this life is short. So help me God.
I leave you with this piece, I saw online by Paulo Coelho, “You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.” I hope you get the courage the swim when you fall into a river or at least float, so you don’t drown.
Till next time,
Probably next year,
Stay Jiggy
Yeni baby.
